SCOTS actor Henry Ian Cusick, who plays Celtic-supporting Desmond in hit American cult TV series Lost, much to the chagrin of his Rangers-supporting brother-in-law, popped into a Chinese restaurant in Glasgow's Byres Road this week.
The waiter peered at Henry and asked if he had ever seen the series Lost. Henry gave a non-committal reply so the waiter told him he was a ringer for the character Desmond, a former Scottish soldier, and decided to call him Desmond for the rest of the evening.
So, curiously, he got more attention by trying not to be Desmond than if he had come clean.
That's the spirit
THE former sommelier at leading Glasgow hotel One Devonshire Gardens, Johnny Walker, pictured, who returns to give talks on whisky and wine, says he once received a job application at the hotel from a French chap called Phillipe Cognac. But he felt that two staff members called Johnny Walker and Cognac would raise too many laughs and, reluctantly, told Phillipe there were no vacancies.
Incidentally, Johnny makes no bones about the fact he is not the tallest chap in the world. "I'm the only person," he swears, "whose passport photograph is lifesize."
- Jewish stand-up Ivor Dembina is doing a free show at the Edinburgh Fringe this year, and he explains to us: "I am British and Jewish. Half of me is uncomfortable with Germany - and the other half is exactly the same."
Ruffled feathers
RAF personnel at Kinloss were puzzled to receive a call from the Norwegian air force giving notice that a consignment of seagulls was going to be delivered. Most folk at the base believed there were more than enough of them wheeling about Scotland already, particularly at Lossiemouth beach, so bringing more in would just be perverse.
Eventually, the Norwegians were phoned back, and after much discussion it was discovered the chap was not trying to say seagulls but "sea eagles", which are far rarer.
The birds will be taken by the RSPB when they arrive to a secret location in order to improve the stock in Scotland.
Strewth!
NEWS from Australia where Prime Minister John Howard is being challenged in the elections later this year by opposition leader Kevin Rudd.
"What kind of choice is that, eh?" said the loud Aussie expat Garry Johnston heard in a bar the other day, who continued: "A bloke whose name rhymes with coward, up against one whose rhymes with dud."
Tongue-tied
A HIGHLIGHT of the Glasgow Jazz Festival this week will be Americans Pat Metheny, the guitarist, and pianist Brad Mehldau appearing together at the Carling Academy on Friday.
Festival organisers are hoping that Pat and Brad's request for an interpreter at the show was merely a joke about Glasgow accents rather than a genuine belief we speak a different language.
Count on it
THE news story from Wolverhampton where emergency services hit out at a 999 caller who telephoned because he had some loose floorboards, is sadly not the only time the service has been misused.
Devon and Cornwall police received a 999 call about a large owl sitting on a telegraph pole, a woman phoned 999 on Christmas Day to say she needed a hug and a chap who broke up with his girlfriend phoned 999 to get the police to drive round to her house to see if there were any cars other than her own in her driveway.
But perhaps the daftest was in America where the emergency number is 911. A woman phoned the normal operator to say she wanted to phone the emergency number, but her phone "didn't have a number eleven on it".
Die laughing
TALKING of America, Death Row prisoner Patrick Knight in Texas has asked for folk to send him jokes so he can choose one for his final statement in the death chamber. "We need something to ease the tension," he has stated.
Our favourite prison story is the tale from Polmont Young Offenders' Institute where a visitor found herself locked out of her car. A prison officer called over a youngster inside for a series of car thefts and told him to use his skills to get into the car. So he smashed the side window with a brick.
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